Does positive self talk work? This is a question I’ve asked myself for a long time. After all, if you can think positively, consistently, you will live a happier life, right? There have been many occasions where I’ve left the front door and tried to talk to myself positively, trying to build myself up for the day when I haven’t been in the best mood. Sometimes it has worked and sometimes it hasn’t. So, it doesn’t seem as easy as simply talking to yourself positively. In fact, there’s a lot more to it. So, in this post, we’ll explore what you can do to realistically improve your inner dialogue.
What is positive self talk?
Positive self-talk is an internal dialogue that makes a person feel good about themselves. A person can use positive self-talk to think optimistically and feel motivated. Identifying negative self-talk is the first step toward thinking more positively.
medicalnewstoday.com
The idea of positive self talk seems simple enough on the surface; talk to yourself positively and you will evoke a positive attitude.
The benefits of positive self talk
What are the benefits of positive self talk?
- Improved mood
- Better life satisfaction
- Improved immune system
- Less stress
- Increased vitality
- Improved performance
The typical idea of positive self talk isn’t about being chronically optimistic, rather, it’s about reframing your thoughts to more positive ones. Here are some examples of positive self talk.
Examples of positive self talk
- “I hate my job” – “I’m fortunate to have a job”
- “My life is rubbish” – “I’m lucky I’m here”
- “This is too difficult” – “I can do this!”
- “I wish I was more like them” – “I have my own strengths”
- “I’m failing” – “I’m still trying and will get there in the end”
- “Today is going to suck” – “I’m going to make today count”
- “I wish things were better” – “I know things will get better”
- “You’re no good” – “You’re capable of anything”
- “Things seem really dull for me” – “There’s many reasons to smile”
Positive self talk can work in flashes
I remember back to when I was stuck in a job that I couldn’t stand. Even though it was something I wasn’t passionate about, I realised, even then, that I was lucky to have a job. I was grateful that I had money coming in and I was also grateful that I had the opportunity to apply for other jobs.
When it came to the job interview for a role I really wanted, I took a moment in the car park to calm my nerves. I remember telling myself I was just as worthy as anyone else for the role and didn’t allow self-doubt to creep into my mind. I have no doubt the positive self talk at that moment helped me to secure the job.
At the same time, there have been many occasions where self talk has not helped me. These are usually the days when I have woken up and just felt down for no particular reason. Perhaps I would try and talk to myself positively but then something would happen that would confirm that positive self talk wasn’t worth even trying in the first place.
My intentions to practise positive self talk was good however I didn’t believe myself to begin with.
Why positive self talk doesn’t work (all the time)
Unreasonably optimistic thinking can trigger a self-defeating spiral, particularly for those prone to anxiety and depression. Research shows that while repeating positive self-statements may benefit people with high self-regard, it can backfire for those lacking confidence.
psychcentral.com
As I mentioned to at the beginning of this post, positive self talk doesn’t always work and can even backfire leaving you feeling worse. If you don’t actually believe your own words, you’ll just feel like a fraud and enter a spiral of feeling like a failure, even when you’re trying to be positive.
From my experience, positive self talk seems to work the best when you have little that is stressing you in your life. For example, if your family life is good, your love life is going well and your job is secure, you’re more likely to talk to yourself in a positive way.
If you feel like a failure, your wife or husband leaves you and you run out of money, it’s going to be hard to talk to yourself positively. When you’re in a situation like this, it’s likely you’ll find it almost impossible to see the good in your life and begin to talk to yourself positively. However, when things start going well for you, the world opens back up for you.
In other words, when you see the possibilities in your life, positive thinking becomes much easier. You begin to see a route to take and fresh opportunities.
Broaden and build
Positive experiences > positive emotions > positive self talk
Fredrickson is a positive psychology researcher at the University of North Carolina and she published a landmark paper that provides surprising insights about positive thinking and its impact on your skills.
Fredrickson’s research shows that if you expose yourself to positive experiences, you’re more likely to feel positive emotions, and when you’re feeling positive emotions, you’re more likely to practise positive self talk.
For example, it’s important for children to go out and play, engage in reasonably rough play activities and talk to other children. This is because these experiences teach the child how to interact with others whilst they learn how far they can take things with their peers before things become too rough.
When you feel positive emotions, you become more curious. If you spot an amazingly beautiful bird out walking, you might come home and research it, wanting to find out more.
When you feel negative emotions like depression, you’re more likely to hide away from the world. For example, if you stay in bed all day hiding from the world, you’re also metaphorically hiding yourself away and the possibilities in your life go under your blanket with you. In other words, the world shrinks away and there’s more chance of you talking to yourself negatively.
A great example of this is when you break up with someone. I remember breaking up with one of my girlfriend’s when we were young teenagers. The experience was so painful that I just wanted to stay in and feel sorry for myself. Nothing seemed possible with her, that was until I went out with my friends and had some fun. Even though she was still on my mind, I began to see other things I could be doing again.
Fredrickson’s broaden and build research also focuses on building those positive emotions because you always need to be in a state of growth. As soon as the world starts to shrink, it’s more likely you can slip back into negative self talk.
For example, when you expose yourself to social situations and interact with a group of people, you learn how to speak to a variety of different people. You broaden your social skills which you then use to talk to more and more people as you navigate through life. You begin to understand that people sometimes need to be interacted with differently from others helping you to be more compassionate, assertive, patient and understanding. You build a communication skillset that you can call upon whenever you need.
So, if you can expose yourself to experiences that make you feel positive emotions, you can be in a situation where positive self talk becomes easier to achieve. You can do this by creating better habits throughout your week whether it’s making more time to play, meditating, changing your diet or simply going for more walks.
Positive self talk in the real world
Personally, I don’t like it when people tell me to ‘talk to myself positively’, or ‘kindly’. I think if we could all do that ourselves, all the time, we wouldn’t need to search for terms such as does positive self talk work?
In my own experience, I’ve found that the broaden and build theory makes sense. Like all of us, I’ve put myself in uncomfortable positions before and whilst they haven’t always gone well, most of them have turned out to be fine. Having positive experiences makes the world feel a lot bigger.
I know all too well that when you’re feeling down, the world seems small, pathways to happiness and good times seem like they’ve gone away and all you want to do is sit in a dark room. Once you expose yourself to situations, you realise that you’re capable of more than you through and little by little the world begins to open up again. You become more curious and eager to engage in experiences.
A perfect example of this is rollercoasters. I remember the first time I ever went on a big rollercoaster. I was probably ten years old and had terrible anxiety as we got closer and closer to it being our turn. I remember telling myself that it was going to be terrifying and scary and that I couldn’t do it. I even considered leaving through the exit gate once we got to the front.
However, I ultimately made myself do it, enjoyed the ride and came off feeling elated. Not only had I conquered my fear but I came away excited and wanting to do it again. I’d gone from negative self talk > positive self talk through a five-minute experience.
Cultivating a positive self talk culture
Positive self talk can be useful to boost yourself before a job interview or a first date but if you want to cultivate a positive self talk culture for yourself then consider exposing yourself to more positive experiences and build on the things you enjoy doing.
The benefits of positive self talk are well documented so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t practise it when you need it. You might even surprise yourself.