If you’re living with someone who has depression, it can be difficult to know how to help them. Half the time you find yourself comforting them only to feel like you’re not helping them at all. The rest of the time you’re trying your best to not upset them accidently and make things worse.
I’ve lived with someone who’s had depression but I’ve also been the person that has had the depression themselves. And I’ll just say, it’s not as simple as going to therapy. That’s because depression is often linked to circumstances, not just a chemical imbalance in the brain that so many would have you believe.
When something shitty happens, or multiple shitty things happen at once, of course you’ll find yourself depressed, especially when you can’t see a way out of a crap situation.
If you live with someone who has depression, you’ll understand that it affects everyday life and can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. That’s why I’ve put together a ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ list of things that can help or hinder someone that’s living with depression, based on my personal experience.
Living with someone who has depression DO’s and Dont’s;
1. Do be there for support when they need you.
The most important thing you can do for someone with depression is to show them that you are available to talk. No matter when they need you, it’s a sign that people value them. The most prevalent thing that someone suffering depression feels is the sense that they are a burden.
Show them that they are needed, even for the most simplistic of things like asking them if they will make a hot drink for the both of you.
1. Don’t nag them to to talk to you extensively.
Whilst you want to be there for them when they need you, nagging someone with depression to talk can backfire. Quite often it’s difficult to think clearly when you’re depressed and talking about how you’re feeling can be a chore.
Instead, wait for them to talk to you, even if it’s just to say; “I don’t feel good at all” and use then that as a cue to tell them that you’re worried and you’d like them to open up even further. Badgering someone can make them feel even more isolated and irritated.
2. Do suggest them getting help
It’s important to let someone know that there are options out there that could potentially help them to feel themselves again. You can suggest CBT therapy, a counselor, or even just letting them know that they can read about people going through the same thing that they are.
Part of depression is feeling like you’re the odd one out as if no one else understands how you feel. Half the time you don’t even know how you feel, you just feel numb. However, being reminded there are ways out is important.
2. Don’t push them into getting help
Pushing people into getting help can be a disaster. When you push someone into getting help it can make them feel worthless when they don’t feel ready. Of course, they shouldn’t wait forever but doing something like booking a doctors appointment and tricking them into going can feel like a betrayal whilst they feel as if no one understands them.
Waiting until they can summon even a little courage to face fighting their depression is key and from there you can guide them in a healthy way.
3. Do encourage them and let them know that depression is common
Depressed people think that they are different or ‘broken’. It’s important not to make a flippant comment about how ‘common’ it is, but instead let them know how normal it is for people to fall into depression, especially when things in their lives are not how they want it to be.
3. Don’t down play it
It’s important to avoid saying things like “stop being so sad” or, “get over it already”. Whilst living with someone with depression will definitely test your patience, comments like these are belittling, especially when the person who is saying them has never experienced depression themselves.
Let them understand that even if you don’t understand how they’re feeling there’s plenty of people in the world that do.
4. Do let them cry it out
Let them cry it out without saying how worried you are by it. After all, it’s normal and sometimes healing to cry. Being able to put depression into words is hard, it’s easier to let it out through emotions. It’s horrible seeing those that you love cry but it can be better than them holding in all that emotion.
4. Don’t let them do it by themselves
If your loved one is spending a lot of their time on their own crying, it can make things much worse. It’s hard to comfort someone with depression as it’s not easy to ‘snap out of’, and no amount of saying “it’ll get better” is usually helpful to them.
Instead, it’s better to just be with them. You don’t need to pretend to understand how they feel. Just be present with them when they’re outpouring emotion.
5. Do keep doing things
Do keep doing things around the house. It’s important for your loved one to see that the world keeps going when they’re depressed. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the turmoil they are feeling but being a strong figure will help to show them that things are stable.
5. Don’t hide yourself away
When you’re living with someone with depression your time is usually spent looking after them. It’s very easy to become a recluse yourself. It’s important to reach out and maintain contact with your family and friends for support. Having a support network will make looking after your loved one much easier.
Depression is very heavy and you can find yourself feeling the entire weight of theirs without support yourself.
Have you lived with someone with depression before? What helped you? Leave a comment below.
Sean C is a writer, passionate about improving one’s self by maintaining healthy habits and doing the things that make life more meaningful.