When I first started this blog I was focused solely on the different ways to ease my anxiety and emotional wellbeing as a whole. When I was doing some research on the methods that have helped others, I came across a whole host of ‘self-care blogs’ that claimed to have all the answers to easing anxiety and depression. In fact, if you type into Google; “self-care blogs”, you’ll be bombarded with an endless stream of bloggers talking about taking hot baths and pampering to make yourself feel better. However, this is the problem with self-care, because, this just isn’t what self-care is. This watered-down version of self-care seems far too simplistic, in my opinion.
The ideas around ‘self-care’ have been attached to almost everything. You can see this for yourself if you look on Instagram, for example. These days there are self-care bath bombs, face masks, exercise routines, meal recipes, diffusers and much, much more. In reality, these things are just what they are – simple products that have had the term ‘self-care’ attached to them to make them more trendy. That’s the point I’m trying to make here. The idea of ‘self-care’ has become so trendy that you can almost attach it to anything to make said thing more sellable in the wellness world.
How about a self-care pancake or what about a self-care pair of boots? Of course, I’m joking but they probably exist somewhere online! Everywhere you look it’s “self-care this and self-care that”. Something else that’s quite interesting is that self-care products are mostly aimed at women. Perhaps this is because marketers know that women spend more than men? Where are all the male self-care products? We have become so drowned in the trend of self-care that we’ve forgotten what self-care actually is or what it should be.
The self-care trend
Whilst I get more and more fed up with the term self-care, it is a term that started off with good intentions. The idea of looking after yourself is important. The problem is, the term ‘self-care’ now carries the notion that we are so hyper-aware of our mental health that we need to take more time out than we actually do (a lot of the time). Self-care has become too trendy for our own good. For example, if you have a rough day, it’s understandable that you’ll want to unwind and look after yourself in the evening. Maybe you’ll even eat some crap you know you shouldn’t just to make yourself feel better. However, the danger is taking it too far or indulging in this behaviour for too long or shutting yourself out of the world for too long.
What is self-care? (or at least the modern definition)
So what is self-care? Verywellmind.com describes it as this;
Self-care means taking care of yourself so that you can be healthy, you can be well, you can do your job, you can help and care for others, and you can do all the things you need to and want to accomplish in a day. If you think you’ve been hearing more about self-care now, you’re right.
verywellmind.com
This is quite a harmless description however modern self-care is often touted as pampering yourself to escape the chaos of everyday life. Like I did, many people who feel anxious or become anxious due to everyday life look into self-care ideas as an escape from how they currently feel. However, when self-care ideas are being pushed as involving manicures, picking flowers, taking a walk, ordering a takeaway, spending time alone etc, you have to wonder how these ideas are really going to help someone. In fact, these are all ideas that will make you feel temporarily pleased, not free of anxiety.
The problem with self-care
The problem with telling someone to just go for a walk or eat a healthy meal is – the ideas are too simple. More importantly, they’re not thought out properly. Anyone can do these things but they aren’t going to address why you’re looking for self-care ideas in the first place. What’s more, if you’re taking time out of your day to ‘be on your own to spend time with yourself’, you’ll no doubt end up feeling guilty for doing so and therefore you’re likely to feel even more anxious than you were before.
There’s no harm in looking after yourself but it’s going to take a lot more than going for a walk to practise self-care in any meaningful and lasting way. If you were to indulge in these poorly thought-out activities then you may just be making yourself feel worse in the long run. After all, ordering a takeaway is another reason to make yourself feel guilty, not better! You’ll eat a bunch of garbage calories and your wallet will be smaller.
When self-care is taken too far you lose the ability to deal with situations head-on. A major obstacle in my own personal way has been a lack of resilience and grit. I think it’s important to look after yourself in certain ways but to also deal with discomfort so that you become more resilient. You cannot just take time out every time something makes you feel uncomfortable. Each time I have dealt with something difficult, I have become more resilient and achieved things and I believe it is one of the ways you can actually improve your mental wellbeing in the long run.
Self-care is about designing a personal philosophy and routine
Self-care isn’t about eating healthy meals, doing exercise or taking baths – you should be doing these things anyway. These are fundamental things that are essential and give you a good framework to begin with. I personally believe that practising proper self-care is all about designing your own philosophy and the way you do and think about things. If you incorporate a better philosophy you’ll be able to deal with problems better when they arise, you’ll have a better sense of self as well as meaning in day to day life.
Of course, your idea of self-care might be different to mine because everyone’s circumstances are different. For example, if you’re a celebrity that needs time away from the limelight, it’s understandable you may want to lock yourself away for a bit. However, if you’re a regular Joe like me, the following might apply better to you.
The below is a breakdown of how I believe proper self-care should be practised in daily life.
How to practise self-care (in my experience)
Instead of indulging in comforting personal activities, I think true self-care comes from the feeling of doing something for others. You get a meaningful sense of purpose and a feeling of connection with others instead of the meaningless sensation of isolation that comes from putting on a face mask.
As mentioned, consciously trying to build some self-resilience is also key, instead of turning to comforts like a child when things get bumpy. The idea of modern self-care implies that we don’t have the tools to deal with how we feel. Does that mean we’re too soft these days? Maybe, I don’t know for sure. However, if you have a sense of resilience and give yourself a sense of belief that you can deal with things then you can build up your confidence gradually as you overcome little things here and there.
Find something meaningful to you and do it. That sounds overly simplistic but I think it’s true. There are so many distractions around us that we end up getting pulled in all directions and think we should be doing a load of different things. In reality, it’s often the things we find the most meaningful that we neglect. Maybe those things seem unimportant but whatever it is, you should always carve a small amount of time to do it. For me, it’s writing. For you, it could be cooking or dancing. If it gives you that important sense of meaning then it’s one of the best ways to practise proper self-care because you’re feeding that authentic hunger.
The problem with self-care is that people will tell you to do certain activities but they very rarely tell you to stick to a routine. I find that by only doing things that bring you a sense of joy every now and again, it ends up being almost a waste of time. The problem with self-care activites is, if you’re feeling down and depressed then you may not have the motivation to keep doing those things. However, if you take a small step and take it day by day, you can start to do things consistently over time. For example, I believe that doing something active is important for many reasons but one of the most important reasons is that it makes you feel good. Of course, that feel-good feeling is fleeting after you’ve done exercises but if you incorporate it into your routine each day or every other day, you start to feel better over time. Even if you do 10 minutes of exercise a day, you at the very least have the knowledge that you’re doing something positive consistently, even if you can’t see or feel the benefits right away. You can gradually do more as you feel fitter and before you know it, it ends up being a habit.
Problems with self-care conclusion
Looking after yourself is important, especially to avoid being burnt-out. However, there’s only so much drinking hot tea or taking a bath will do. I think that proper self-care (for feeling better over the long-run). It’s about doing the things you like to do whilst having a mindful awareness of the things that make you feel the wrong way. It’s about building a new philosophy over time by doing small yet positive things consistently that move you forward in the right direction.