I think pretty much everyone wants to be more confident. I’ve often thought I could have gained more out of certain situations if I’d just tried to be more confident or put myself ‘out there’. Maybe if I’d just asserted myself in that confrontation, spoken to that girl I liked or said yes to that invitation I might have been better off.
Some people seem to be naturally confident but for others, they have to try to learn to be more confident from the ground up. After all, you don’t want to spend your life being walked all over or miss out on things because you feel a bit nervous about doing something.
Being more confident feels good, it reminds you that you have worth and you can make your own mind up and it could even earn you a well-deserved promotion.
Like many people, I’ve often tried different ways to be more confident whilst wrestling with that inner voice that sometimes tries to tell me I’m not good enough. It’s an ongoing process that has taken me years to try and crack but I am certainly much more confident now than I was as a nervous, anxious teenager who didn’t believe in his own abilities.
You often hear; ‘just try and be confident’ when people are trying to help you increase your confidence, but what does that really mean? What I have learned is that confidence comes from within. It comes from trusting yourself, However, there are also helpful habits that are worth remembering and practising to help you get to the point where you can trust in yourself.
If you’re someone who struggles with their self-confidence, here are my best tips on how to increase your self-confidence from my own experience. Perhaps some of these strategies will work for you too or just help to nudge you in the right direction to some degree.
1. Act like a confident person
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to simply act like a confident person. By that, I mean gather all of the traits you imagine your ideal confident self to possess and practise being that person in different situations. For example, your most confident self might stand tall, speak clearly and talk to the people you don’t usually talk to. Oftentimes, we can shy away because the idea of looking foolish is too unbearable to imagine, so it’s easier to look away and not try to do something.
To practise acting like your ideal confident self, pick someone you really want to speak to, for example, and commit to striking up a conversation with them. Remind yourself that your estimation of the outcome is usually always way worse than the reality.
Each time you practise this, you chip away at your nerves and become conditioned to the discomfort that you may feel the first time you do it. Like with any habit worth doing, it may take a bit of time and practice but over time it becomes natural and second nature.
2. Remember other’s opinions belong to them, not you
Another reason we may not put ourselves out is because we get nervous about what other people think. After all, it can be uncomfortable to be the centre of attention. In my experience, to increase your confidence you must learn that other people’s opinions are their own, formed by their own experiences or what they personally perceive.
Everyone will have their opinions or ideas about you but this is ultimately not something you can control. If you fret over this too much, you will find it hard to become confident in your own skin. This is not always easy when you are young with the pressures of being a teenager, for example, but as you grow up you learn that worrying about other’s opinions drains you of a lot of energy and does not help you in any way.
This doesn’t mean you can disregard and be rude to people however, rather, if there are people who have a problem with you, just follow your own goals and focus on being kind to others.
3. Be kind as much as you can
The ego inside all of us can cause us to say or do things we later regret. It’s an important survival mechanism but it pays to remind yourself that you are not above anyone else. In a world where everyone is trying to get a leg up, a little compassion and kindness for others can go a long way, it can even make someone’s day.
When you leave your front door in the morning, remind yourself you will encounter angry people, upset people and those going through a whole multitude of things. The only thing you can control is how to respond to them. If you find yourself sucked into grief by others, you can become enslaved to your emotions, forever pulled from one to the next by the situations that crop up during your day, and ultimately end up like a kind of puppet with no control.
On the other hand, if you keep your main response as kindness you will find that you have more self-control and even potentially raise others up. A truly confident person is someone who looks out for other people and can even point them in the right direction if they want or need help.
4. Don’t ignore your own strength
There is certainly a source of strength inside of all of us that helps to get us over the line when we truly need it or when we allow it to the surface. Most of us have had situations where we really didn’t want to do something and yet we had a moment of inner strength where we pushed ourselves and hit the trigger.
There are many occasions where this may have happened like when you didn’t want to go on a big rollercoaster and yet you eventually threw caution to the wind and did it only to come off and feel like you conquered the world or when you clumsily ended up talking to the person you really liked and before you knew it it felt like you had known each other forever, leading to a date.
All of these situations remind us that we are in fact capable of much more than we realise if we simply lower our shield and just go for it. However, summoning this inner strength on command can be difficult. Regardless, it is still there inside of you lurking below the surface. With a little bit of confidence to get it warmed up, this strength can be called upon every day, at any time.
Try not to underestimate yourself, trust yourself and you may surprise yourself and others at the same time.
5. Waste no more time on the insignificant
If you spend your time worrying about the insignificant in your twenties you can blink and wake up worrying about the insignificant in your thirties. There is only so much energy we have to dedicate to different things during the day and an endless amount of things that can bog you down. How many things do you concern yourself with today that you did ten years ago?
To increase your confidence, decrease the things you concern yourself with. Remind yourself how much has already been covered by time already then remind yourself that this is the time to live your life. Many have come and gone before you and now this is your time which will surely come to an end one day too. Therefore, dismiss the insignificant and you remove its value. Live for what matters now, and do it unapologetically.
Minimalise your values and bring them back to what truly matters like your family, friends, and hobbies, for example. When you focus on the important things, everything else can seem silly and insignificant in the larger scheme of things making you more confident because you know what truly matters.
6. Don’t complain, even to yourself
It’s a natural response to complain when things don’t go your way, especially when others around you are doing the same. However, complaining rather than sometimes taking accountability if something was your mistake can sap your confidence and keep you in a state of negativity and even low self-esteem, in my experience. When you’re in this state, it’s difficult to find the positives and therefore you cannot act confidently.
When something you perceive as negative happens, try not to get sucked into complaining about it. Instead, remind yourself that it doesn’t have to affect the way you feel if you do not choose to allow it.
Think about what you can do to fix it or what you could do differently in the future to get a different outcome. When something occurs, take a moment to pause and ask yourself if it needs to become something more than it is. Don’t find yourself complaining, even to yourself. Keep a kind outlook and keep confident in your own abilities to overcome obstacles.
7. Commit and be clear
Say what you mean and do what you say you’re going to do. In my experience, you lose confidence in yourself when you change your mind or you say something you don’t really mean. If you want to say something, say it with confidence like you mean it. You’ll likely be more inclined to stick to your words whilst having other people believe and trust in you.
When my go-to phrases were ‘maybe’ or ‘I might’, I certainly wasn’t confident in myself because I was leaving the door open, not wanting to disappoint other people in case I wanted to change my mind.
If you don’t like something or want to do it, it’s okay to voice your stand on it.
8. Be okay with failing
Getting into the habit of failing is a good thing if you ask me. Confidence doesn’t come from just the achievements we have. Sometimes we fail but that doesn’t make us a failure, it just means we are learning. Sure, failing at something can feel embarrassing but no one is perfect and everyone has to start somewhere.
A wise man once said; “The only thing I know is that I know nothing,”
I think that’s a good thing to remember. Perhaps we know a few things but we’re forever learning.
For example, when I first went rock climbing, I slipped, fell, and landed on my back. Whilst I was initially confident about giving it a go, the wall soon reminded me that I needed to learn the proper techniques if I was going to get far.
Getting back up and trying again will increase your confidence one ounce at a time. If something is hard to do, keep trying. After all, whatever you’re trying to do, someone else before you has already conquered it so don’t think it’s impossible for you.
9. Look after yourself
Looking after your mind and body can help you be more confident, at least it has helped me personally. Pretty much everyone I know starts to feel more confident when they start taking better care of themselves.
It’s not just losing a few pounds or staying on top of your personal hygiene that can help you be more confident but also looking after your mental well-being. There are a number of ways you can do this through things like meditation, taking mindful breaks, talking to someone or even physical activity.
Look after yourself and when you do this you’ll be able to look after others better too.
10. Flow with change
Change is a hard one. After all, change can be scary. However, if there is one thing that is true it is that everything is in a flux of change to some degree. I myself am not a great fan of change but it is a universal rule nonetheless and should be expected. You and I have changed multiple times over the years both physically and mentally. Whilst we may have grown taller we’ve also changed our beliefs from time to time based on our life experiences.
When you’re prepared for change you become more confident. For example, people will come and go from your life, just as sure as the day will turn to night.
Just accepting that change will happen can allow you to live life with less friction and more confidence.
11. Observe the beauty of life
Be mindful of the privilege and beauty of life, even when you don’t feel like it, especially on the bad days. This isn’t always easy when things aren’t going your way but try and cultivate a positive mindset by using the tips in this post.
Find gratitude in life itself so you can increase your confidence in the fact you are here right now with a chance to do some good for yourself and others. Every time you wake up in the morning, open your curtains and let the sun hit your skin. Take pleasure in the small things like fresh air, the water you drink and the food that sustains you. Remember: everything else is usually just noise. There’s beauty to be found in the smallest of places if you take the time to observe.
Ditch your plans and go and sit and talk with your loved ones. Eat the food that makes you feel good. Hug your dog. Call a friend. There is time.
12. Become the person you would turn to
We all have people we turn to in our lives when we need help. Imagine if you could become that person for someone else. That to me is one of the ultimate goals in life; to be someone that others can turn to when they need a shoulder, advice or just to vent. Do it without expectation of a favour in return. Sometimes others just need someone to listen. Increase your own confidence by treating others with care and respect and in turn you may increase the respect you have for yourself.
Increase your confidence over time
Increasing your confidence takes time and some life experience. Start off small and practise a couple of things from this list. Overall, trust in yourself and your own abilities. It’s nice to have other people in your life believe in you but if you believe in yourself you can find a solid, unshakable basis for your own self-confidence.